Tonight we have small group. Right now I don't want to go. Re-entry back into life seems daunting.  It's the problem of what I call "sad eyes" I feel like that is all I get from people, their sad eyes staring out at me. It makes me feel broken and vulnerable and grief stricken. Which I am all of those things, but seeing it reflected on the faces of people that I love and care about is hard.

I have been in a cocoon since last Monday, Miles and Ashley played great interference, sheltering me form the brunt of other's grief, which I appreciated. My mom came and that was both great distraction and gave me a sense of strength that I didn't have. But she went home yesterday, and tonight I have to go to small group. Actually I don't HAVE to go, I could skip again, but I can't skip forever... I miss seeing my small group and learning about Joshua, and so now is as good a time as any to get it over with. That's what I feel like, having to get re-entry over with. I just want it to be over with, all the sad eyes.

Tell me that you're sorry, but know there is nothing that you can do. It's a sad and lonely club that no one wants to be part of and one that can't be sympathized away.

I am so thankful for all of the cards, e-mails, phone calls, meals, flowers, and care; please do not think that I am not. I just need to be able to say that I am scared and anxious about entering back into community with people because I am going to be sad.  I don't want it to be the only thing we talk about. I have a lot of pregnant friends and friend who have just had babies and I don't want conversations about pregnancy and baby's to be hushed when I walk into a room. I don't want my loss to change my relationships with people.  But it will, for a time, while it is the first thing that I think about when I wake up and the last thing that I think about when I go to bed. It has changed who I am and how I see the world, and it will take time to return to being easy going, happy, fun... those thing just don't describe me right now... maybe that is what I am most anxious about, maybe my friends wont like the me trying to get over the sadness.

 I know this is totally not true, I have GREAT friends who have stood by us, loving and supporting us just the way we have needed... but as I sit here trying to read the chapters in the book of Joshua that we will be talking about tonight, my mind wanders to the feeling that re-entry to my social life is going to be bumpy.