It's my birthday today, I'm 31.

Here's what I have to say to my 31st year (which really I guess is my 32nd year)... You don't have to work very hard to be better than 30.

Also, I am thankful that we didn't receive the ashes today. I was worried that of all days, they would have showed up today. Thank you Lord, for sparing me the agony of receiving the one teaspoon of ashes that I will get of my child that I'll never know, on my birthday.

One such friend gave me an immediately treasured gift; a worksheet that when worked through creates a biblical lament. I have really found it hard to do, but very therapeutic. I have written two... Of all the Psalmists laments, there is only one, Psalm 88, that doesn't end in a praise point back at God's goodness.  I have clung to the importance of there being one such lament, because even though I know that God isn't mean, He sure looks mean right now.  I hope to one day be able to end a lament in praise, but that is just not where I am at right now. And I am so grateful that even though I can't sing His praise, He still pursues me and keeps the lines of communication open. He hasn't slammed the door in my face and he never will. I am so glad that we have a Lord who can love is through our pain, sadness, and anger... even when it we take it out on Him.

I haven't written on here for a few days because I realized that I need to be hand writing/ journaling through this. There is just something about my hand on a pen and paper that "feels" better than typing. As time goes on, I may share more on here, but for a while I will be taking my grief writing private. Perhaps I'll share again once I have a lament that ends in praise.

Psalm 88

LORD, you are the God who saves me;
   day and night I cry out to you.
May my prayer come before you;
   turn your ear to my cry.

I am overwhelmed with troubles
   and my life draws near to death.
I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
   I am like one without strength.
I am set apart with the dead,
   like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
   who are cut off from your care.

You have put me in the lowest pit,
   in the darkest depths.
Your wrath lies heavily on me;
   you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
You have taken from me my closest friends
   and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
 my eyes are dim with grief.

I call to you, LORD, every day;
   I spread out my hands to you.
Do you show your wonders to the dead?
   Do their spirits rise up and praise you?
Is your love declared in the grave,
   your faithfulness in Destruction?
Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
   or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

But I cry to you for help, LORD;
   in the morning my prayer comes before you.
Why, LORD, do you reject me
   and hide your face from me?

From my youth I have suffered and been close to death;
   I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
Your wrath has swept over me;
   your terrors have destroyed me.
All day long they surround me like a flood;
   they have completely engulfed me.
You have taken from me friend and neighbor--
   darkness is my closest friend.

This week, I have been to small group and book club, but I just am not ready for casual social gatherings. 

Miles and the kids are at Anna and Everett's birthday party... I'm supposed to be there, but I'm hiding.

Later today, a sweet friend is having a baby shower... I'm supposed to be there, I actually was supposed to be helping to plan and pull it off, but I'm hiding.

Today I'll spend quite a bit of time talking myself into going to church tomorrow. I want to go, it's just the sad eyes again. Miles said that I just need to pretend like I don't expect people to be sad for me, but I can't; you all betray yourselves with you eyes. It's great, I am so thankful that so many people love us and are sad for us and the loss of this life, but en masse, it's hard to endure and remain emotionally removed from the crushing grief that I am feeling... in public. So I am hiding today, and psyching myself up for tomorrow; wish me luck!

2. The doctors, nurses, and other hospital staff were wonderful, professional, and did their best to make a horrific situation bearable.

3. I have a healthy son and a healthy daughter, and so the fact that we will never know if this was a boy or a girl is a little easier to deal with.

4. My mom was planning to come out even before we found out about the baby's death. She would have come out anyway, but it was one less thing to figure out at the time.

5. I'm 30 and have years and years of good reproductive ability left in me.

6. This happened at one of the only times this year that we don't have 5 other things going on. We were/ are able to take a step back and have the freedom to grieve, feeling no stress to put it aside and deal with the next thing on our list. I am so thankful for this, as I have really struggled just keeping up with daily activity.

7. They are letting us have the ashes; I was worried that our child would have to be disposed of without the possibility of us participating. But they will send us the baby's ashes and we get to lay our child to rest. I think I am going to take the ashes out west to our cabin at Bear Lake.

8. I never got to hold this child. This seems strange, I know, but I didn't know this child, there are so many question marks that surround this life that I don't have a concrete relationship to point to and miss. I miss this life, of course, but we know that we were shown mercy that we didn't have to experience the loss of a child that we met.

9. The medical/ physical side to this loss has gone as smoothly and as uncomplicated as possible.

10. God put into my life, Miles. I couldn't go through this with anyone else; he is such a great husband, father and best friend. He has stepped up where I have stumbled, and kept things going even when I haven't been able to.  I am not perfect, or anywhere near it and I am extended mercy and grace from Miles everyday and I am so glad that I get to spend my life with him, even if we have to go through terrible times like this. I wouldn't want to go through it without him.

I have been in a cocoon since last Monday, Miles and Ashley played great interference, sheltering me form the brunt of other's grief, which I appreciated. My mom came and that was both great distraction and gave me a sense of strength that I didn't have. But she went home yesterday, and tonight I have to go to small group. Actually I don't HAVE to go, I could skip again, but I can't skip forever... I miss seeing my small group and learning about Joshua, and so now is as good a time as any to get it over with. That's what I feel like, having to get re-entry over with. I just want it to be over with, all the sad eyes.

Tell me that you're sorry, but know there is nothing that you can do. It's a sad and lonely club that no one wants to be part of and one that can't be sympathized away.

I am so thankful for all of the cards, e-mails, phone calls, meals, flowers, and care; please do not think that I am not. I just need to be able to say that I am scared and anxious about entering back into community with people because I am going to be sad.  I don't want it to be the only thing we talk about. I have a lot of pregnant friends and friend who have just had babies and I don't want conversations about pregnancy and baby's to be hushed when I walk into a room. I don't want my loss to change my relationships with people.  But it will, for a time, while it is the first thing that I think about when I wake up and the last thing that I think about when I go to bed. It has changed who I am and how I see the world, and it will take time to return to being easy going, happy, fun... those thing just don't describe me right now... maybe that is what I am most anxious about, maybe my friends wont like the me trying to get over the sadness.

 I know this is totally not true, I have GREAT friends who have stood by us, loving and supporting us just the way we have needed... but as I sit here trying to read the chapters in the book of Joshua that we will be talking about tonight, my mind wanders to the feeling that re-entry to my social life is going to be bumpy.

We lost a child. Not as in we can't find it, but as in, we went for our 20 week ultrasound to find out if it was a boy or a girl and instead found out it was dead. Typing that makes me want to throw up.

Physically I'm okay... I think

Emotionally I feel like I am on life support. Sort of numb during the day and I cry myself to sleep most nights as the gravity of what this death means in my life weighs down on me.  I can see the writing on the wall, I am going to be grieving this loss for the rest of my life and that makes me scared.

It makes me scared to think of trying again. I am already a paranoid worrier, and it will kick into overdrive when we try again; if we try again. My heart says, "No, you can't do this again, knowing you may have to go through this again!!!" My brain says, "You have two perfect children, this is a fluke, the chances of it happening again are TINY!" I just can't see past this tragedy... yet.

I haven't lost many people in my life... yet. We all will lose though, that's part of being in this broken, fallen world. Heaven has become more real in the last week, and death seems a little less scary. I used to be scared to death of death, I would think about it and then not be able to sleep, but it seems less scary now. I hope that I get to the end of my life and feel like I have lived and loved to the fullest, but that I will finally get to meet this life that was a gift to me for such a short time.

Losing Kona last year taught me that even grief dulls with time. Does it seem weird that I feel like losing Kona helped to sustain me through the loss of my child?

My child... that seems weird too. In this lifetime, I will never be a parent to this child. We will never know if it was a boy or a girl. We'll never see who it favors or if it is graceful and coordinated like Halleigh or snuggly lovey like Beau. I feel like I got robbed of my chance to know this life. Why did this happen to me? (Something else, I'll most likely never know)

Pretty much all I am left with are painful questions... and a teaspoon of ashes. That's all I get of this child, 1 teaspoon of ashes. 

I got a Kindle for Christmas this year from my parents and I am having mixed feelings about it.

I aready miss the abilty to feel the progress that I am making, to be able to quickly flip to see how close the next chapter is, and feel the thickness of the pages change from the left to the right hand.

But the fact that I can buy a book with literally one click of a button is AMAZING instant gratification!  I am so excited about the ease with which I can burn through books. AWESOME!

Keely will be glad I finally caved, but what would Jane Austen think?!?!?

Here we are at the end of 2010, I thought I should come clean on my sucesses and failures... here it goes:

Here again is the list, in no particular order:

1. Make Christmas stockings, the $1 ones from Old Navy just aren't going to cut it anymore. DONE, sort of. We found some super cute stockings at Pottery Barn Kids and LOVE THEM!

2. Buy new tree stand, ours is terrible and I heard that LL Bean has one that is great. DONE

3. Make a tree skirt, ours is hideous... I hate it FAIL

4. Buy wise men for my nativity set DONE

5. Be more active and health conscience (isn't that on everyone's list?) I can't cross this off, because this is an on going goal, but I have been taking advantage of the treadmill, so this is happening!

6. Run a 5k  FAIL

7. Read more than 19 books (for the last three years I have read 19 books each year) FAIL

8. Get out of debt (TMI, I know, but it had to be there) DONE

9. Research and participate in a CSA (community supported agriculture not the Confederate States of America) DONE

10. Enroll Halleigh in pre-school DONE, she loves school!

In a couple days I'll get my 2011 resolutions out, stay tuned.